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“What you did was painful but I forgive you Mama”

I wish I could tell my mum today that the most hurtful thing she ever did was when she just disappeared. One day we came back from school and she was just gone. All the things that made her her – her smell, cooking smells, neatly piled high heels, her never ending warmth – just gone. No explanation, no goodbyes.

Divorce doesn’t affect just the parents but the children, especially when we are abandoned without any trace of explanation. Our whole lives changed that day. It seemed as if a black hole was punched into our life. No one was bothering to even talk to us. We were just left to ourselves, as if we were inconsequential. 

That feeling was even worse than being left behind by our very own mother. We felt rejected, like furniture that could just be left behind. Left with a father who was going through his own heartbreak and didn’t know how to look after 4 girls and a boy! Then it was gradual separation of the siblings. First the oldest sister shipped off to boarding school then the baby (Sandra) was sent away because she screamed every night for you mummy. Lindah and Stephen were sent off to boarding school and I was left alone. All alone in a huge house with a 27-year-old male cousin who attempted to rape me. I can’t thank God enough for saving me from that monster.

Did I tell anyone? NO. I buried it deep inside my being and carried on with life. But it changed me. I lost my will to be cheerful, became as quiet as a mouse. The quietest girl in class. But even after facing all this, mum, mother, Amai (Mama) – I never stopped loving you and forgave you. 

Just before you passed away, we made up. You became my best friend again and I slowly learnt what it meant to be alive again. I’m missing you so much today. Even though it’s an everyday thing for me to miss you, I miss you little more each day. I’ve turned 50 years old this year (2020) and I’m so grateful for you Angela Kesiwe Sixapela, my light in the darkness. May your soul rest in peace.

  • True Story Blog by my biological Big Sister Thembinkosi Gavriel Gaal is a. Ph.D candidate, woman of God who believes that age and the past do not limit you. A go getter. A hard worker.

 

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